We've been rotating people in and out for nearly two weeks because of duty and appointments and the like. More or less what brings me to write this is the fact that, for the first time, my gay sexuality was brought up during training in a disrespectful manner.
Let me explain first that I'm what submariners call a NUB (short for non-useful body). It's just another term for a freshman, new guy, fresh meat, et al. It means that it get pushed around a lot and disrespected frequently for not knowing everything. Since submarines are an all-male domain, it's pretty easy to imagine the kind of horseplay that is tolerated. Honestly, it's not all bad since it brings us together as a team. Now and then, however, it can get out of hand.
Before my sexuality was brought up, our instructor had a few "sea stories" for us. Sea stories are exactly what they sound like: uninhibited storytelling concerning life out to sea or, in this case, life on military bases involving sailors. Unfortunately for me, this sea story involved gay content.
Now, I know my place in this situation when a straight male instructor rides and riffs on stories concerning gays in the military. I can choose to jump in, laugh and tell a few of my own (I do have a lot of experiences involving other gays *wink*. I'll call this Option Alpha since it's the aggressive and in-control path.
Option Bravo is more subdued. It's what I chose to do. Bravo is less aggressive, more passive and more conciliatory. This option involves not speaking up and not adding your two cents while waiting for the uncomfortable subject to run its course.
I did this. I'm not sure if I regret it or not. After all, why is it my job to speak up every time this discussion comes up? It definitely irks me to have to discuss it. And what's more, I definitely know that an E-3 should not be telling his superiors how to talk about this. A lot of the Chiefs and First Classes on board should know better.
And I guess that's what bothers me even more: two First Class Petty Officers in the U.S. Navy Submarine Force dancing around this issue while I'm in the room. Later on while being cut out for the day, my non-LPO First Class called me out on what my problem was: "You're not aggressive enough."
I can hear it ringing in my ears. Two interrelated things: being aggressive and straight (like them) versus being passive and gay (like me). Of course I'm supposed to bend over and take this criticism as if it's not offensive when all we're doing is learning to push buttons in the right order (I concede it's a little more complicated right now but, unfortunately, I'm just fuming).
There are days when I wish I didn't have to deal with shit like this. I wish I had stayed a civilian and could shame them into having more tact about this stuff in front of women. Generally speaking, as I've lived life, females tend to occupy the role of enforcing mutual respect better than most men.
Maybe I'm nostalgic for the days when I worked with kids and had mostly female coworkers. But I know hindsight is in 20/20. I know my previous jobs weren't free of different but similar harassment. Women can be cruel in different ways. I definitely learned that lesson in my time on this Earth.
I'm beginning to feel whiney. It doesn't feel appropriate to military bearing so I should stop my ranting there. Not to mention I have a test to study for on what I learned the past two weeks. Gah, I think I need to go for a run and cross some things off my grocery list as well.
Let that be what I do for the day: take the negative energy and squash it by running a few miles.
Maybe I'll be one mile closer to not being single one of these days.
Who knows?
ETSN C
